Everybody Has a Story by Howard Moose Turney

Author:Howard Moose Turney
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: marriage, family, conflict, divorce, therapy, husband wife, marriage therapy
Publisher: The Educational Publisher/Biblio Publishing

Determining where the marriage fits into the context of competing forces is central to making marriage work. It is easy to become overpowered by any of these demands identified in Figure 6.2. Each of us has a story that is created from the way we manage ourselves. Couples must work together to create a contextual image that is fitting for them. Each of the forces is driven by the values we have established as couples. Disturbances in couples relating may appear here when values differ between spouses. Spouses who bring certain insecurities to a marriage may be particularly disturbed when one believes that something other than them is more important. If a spouse believes that his/ her family of origin is more important to him than he; he may experience being disenfranchised from the marriage. Intimacy is compromised. This is an emotional feeling that occurs in relationships routinely. We want to be connected to our spouse at a level we believe makes us the most important part of our spouse’s emotional existence.

Jerry and Mary provide a great example of a couple that existed in very different contexts. Mary lived in a context of the social world. Mary was constantly on the go, always engaged with in activities with friends. These included tennis, book club, dinners with the girls, caring for her elderly parents and participation in several social organizations. Jerry was less social and was defined by his work. He was an over achiever who found little value in social activities. When he was not at work, he was reading and researching.

Jerry and Mary were defined by two very different contexts. This created two separate universes in which each lived. While early in the marriage the couple valued a strong sense of independence, they had become strangers in their own home.

The work in therapy required both Jerry and Mary to compromise. Both were fiercely independent, but realized that the context in which each lived was distinct and separate leaving little room for each other. The couple was able to achieve a balance that included a shared context in addition to their separate activities. Creating the balance of separateness and togetherness is an important part of a successful marriage.

When the context of social activities and work are more important to the couple than a spouse, the results can be a terribly unhappy marriage. Jerry and Mary were able to blend some of their activities to create a shared context for a portion of their lives that was much more fulfilling to both.

We must realign the longstanding influences that have become institutional in our marriage. The entanglement that has solidified into a complex mosaic must be rearranged into an artful expression of prominence for both husband and wife. We accomplish this by taking risk. Each of us has a risk quotient. That is the level of risk we are willing to take when we want our relationship with our spouse to be different. Many of us have become comfortable with the routine, and although we are not particularly happy, we are not willing to take risks and rock the boat.

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